Is it possible to use conversation and communication to set things up so that men are pursuing you, regardless of whether they were into or not you at first?

Heck yeah, it’s absolutely possible.

Maybe it’s their Braveheart instinct, but men like a challenge. Men want women they have to work for. But they also want a girl who is attainable enough. Basically, you want to be an achievable goal to men, you don’t want to be completely out of his league, but at the same time you want to be enough of a challenge that he doesn’t completely think he has you.

All men value what they must work for. The same is true for women. The harder we have to work for something, usually, the more highly we value it.

The harder we have to work for something, usually, the more highly we value it.

Imagine you were at my house and I showed my record collection. Let’s say you don’t know squat about jazz music and I showed you two of my jazz albums. One album, I tell you, I’d spent years painstaking scouring Ebay, record shops and garage sales before a friend of mine located a single copy at an estate sale in the rural parts of Idaho. Another album, I tell you, I picked up at a thrift shop down the street.

Notice, I have not told you anything about either album’s value. I haven’t told you the artist’s name, the album’s condition, what the cover art looks like, what era the record is from, or the retail price. All you know is that one album I had to work really had to get, the other I didn’t and, you assume the one I worked hardest for must be more valuable.

How attainable something is effects how we calculate it’s worth. That’s why among record collectors usually the most valuable records are also the rarest.

With men, become a greater challenge and you’ll get them to work harder to get you. Make a guy unsure whether he can get you or not. You want to seem interested, but not too interested. If you seem too interested he’ll think you’re needy. Too much of a challenge, he’ll think you’re just plain mean, not interested in him, or unattainable.      

Challenges work because they create uncertainty. Uncertainty is the critical element of flirting. Czech author Milan Kundera’s defines flirting in his book The Unbearable Lightness of Being: “Flirting is a behavior leading another to believe that sexual intimacy is possible, while preventing that possibility from becoming a certainty.” In other words, flirting is the promise of sexual intercourse without a guarantee. Flirting communicates the subtext: you are attainable, but he’s not necessarily going to get you. It’s the same as telling a man, “I like you…I think. And we might get together…or not. It’s not really a big deal. But maybe it’d be fun. But I’m not sure. Anyway, I’m calling the shots, so see if you can win me over.”

How attainable a man thinks you are will indicate when to be more of a challenge and when to be less of a challenge.


How do you know if a guy thinks he can get you or not?

His appearance isn’t a good indicator. For example, a guy you don’t think you have a shot in hell with, might think you’re out of his league.

How to calibrate your resistance is a lot like calibrating a lure in fishing. If your lure is too far away from a fish or it’s moving to fast it might be too much work and fish won’t go after it. If a lure is right in a fish’s face, and you’ve been feeding the fish all night, it’s too easy, the fish will grow bored and swim away, looking for a more interesting lure. The sweet spot lies somewhere in the middle. The fish isn’t sure it can get the bait, but it thinks it’s worth the effort -if it swims fast enough, chases it long enough, bites quick and hard enough, it might be able to.

The same thing is true for men. You want men to think that you’re possibly attainable, but not certainly attainable.

Measure the confidence of the person you’re talking to. If you’re talking to a real cocky bastard, he’ll be up for the challenge. “How dare you say that!” an aggressive, self-assured guy will argue. He’ll be ready, rearing to qualify himself. On the other hand, put up a little token resistance with an insecure guy and he might give up. Calibrate your resistance to where a guy’s confidence level is at.

Also look for clues from his mood and body language. Is he acting cold, distant or rude? Are his arms tight across his chest? Or is he nodding along enthusiastically. Touching you? Or vying for your attention? Fighting back?

Play off his mood. If he’s acting aloof or rude or uninterested, tone down your resistance, be calm, relaxed and aloof as well. Be less of a challenge. If he’s going along with what you’re saying, leaning into you, seems interested, and excited, coming on strong, make him uncertain whether he can have you. Crank up the heat. Make yourself less attainable by getting more demanding, probing him for information, making him prove himself to you. Be more of a challenge.


            Julie walks past two strapping lads leaning against the jukebox, sipping tall boy PBRs, staring blankly at the pool table. Julie smiles and teases the cutest one with a sarcastic challenge, “You guys look like reeeeal fun.”

            Most men aren’t going to argue they are un-fun. Ryan and Corey step up to the plate.

            “Hey now, we’re just getting warmed up. It’s early. No one’s here yet so we’re just chillin’.” protests Ryan.

            Corey slings is thumb back. “We just put on some songs by the Cure.”

            “And some Velvet Underground.” Ryan smirks, “You just wait. The fun is gonna start.”

            “We’re going to this great party after,” continues Corey.


Julie just got Ryan and Corey to qualify to her why they weren’t acting fun when she moseyed over: They’re just getting warmed up. It’s early. There’s no one there yet. They’re chilling. These men are full of excuses. Then they quickly tried to justify to Julie that they are fun guys: They put on cool music. They’re invited to a fun party later.

Being fairly attractive men, most likely Ryan and Corey are used to women coming onto them and falling all over them. Julie’s behavior wasn’t predictable. Julie began their conversation by acting aloof and unimpressed with the men’s blase behavior. She made them work to earn her approval. A man likes a challenge because it makes him feel like he’s so charming, so cool, he’s turning the tables and winning you over.

Once you got a guy feeling like he can perhaps..maybe..get you, encourage him to pursue you by using a resistance tool called a barrier. A barrier is an non-insurmountable obstacle that you use to get man to chase you.


           You set up a barrier challenge like this:

            1.) You tell a guy what you want to do with him.

            2.) But then you tell him: darn, there’s this barrier standing in the way of you doing that.

            3.) But you add, maybe just maybe, if he does this one thing, there’s a chance he can still make it happen.


It’s like saying, “I really like you, but I can’t be with you because..” You’re challenging a guy to prove you’re barrier is wrong. Using barriers you’re able to transform your own admission of “I really like you” into we both really like each other.


            Ben moves in closer to Sophia. His hand grazes her side. He’s talking quickly. His mouth stretches wide as he smiles. He leans in, but Sophia slips a few steps away, takes a sip of her martini, smiles and crosses her arms.image_200x300_4

            “You seem like a nice, sweet guy, we should find you a nice, sweet girl. I don’t think you can handle me,” Sophia cocks her eyebrow and grins.

            “I can’t handle you huh?” Ben closes the distance between them.

            Sophie eyes him over her glass. “I don’t want to corrupt you. I’m kind of a naughty girl.”

            “I like naughty girls. I’m not that innocent of a guy. You’ll see. I’m pretty adventurous. I’m pretty spontaneous.” He bites his lip and narrows his eyes playfully, “I’m known to do some pretty taboo stuff.”


At first, Ben thinks he has Sophia. He’s excited, he’s moving in for the kill, when Sophia stops him and abruptly pulls away and tells him why they should not be together. She insinuates she isn’t attainable for him. She’s too much for him to handle. He would be much better off with a nice sweet girl on his level. She even suggests helping find him a nice sweet girl.

Ben’s quick to prove her barrier wrong. He doesn’t want a nice girl. He wants Sophia. He’s quick to convince her why he’s right for her. He chases her down with a lists of reasons: He’s adventurous. Spontaneous. A bit kinky.     

Sophia made Ben uncertain whether he’d get her. She raised her value by making Ben work harder to get her. She became more of a prize.


Matthew leaned against the wall, talking with Amanda. Amanda had been complimenting Matthew for the last half hour. His stories were hilarious. His eyes flickered across the room to where his friends were hitting on another group of girls.

            Amanda ruffled his shaggy mop of hair and he returned his attention to her as she moved her mouth inches from his.“You know what, you’re cute and funny,” she grinned coyly, “and we could have crazy, toe curling, throw me up against the wall sex tonight, but I just bet,” she stepped away and poked a finger into his chest, “you’re one of those guys who’s a bad kisser.”

            Matthew’s jaw fell, “What?!” He over-exaggerated his frown. “Do I look like a bad kisser.”

            Amanda shook her head slowly,“It really is sad. I just get a feeling about you.”

            Matthew lunged at her, pressed her up against the wall and kissed her deep, long, and passionately.


Matthew was initially attracted to Amanda, but might have grown bored. Amanda seemed overly impressed with his stories. She eagerly laughed at all his jokes. When his friends began chatting up some women that just walked into the bar, he debated leaving. He could always come back and talk with Amanda later.

Amanda quickly escalated the situation, and became more attractive in Matthew’s eyes by making herself a bigger challenge. She insulted him. She created a false barrier. He was a bad kisser.

Create a barrier and a man is going to want to knock it down. It’s just his instinct.

Create a barrier and a man is going to want to knock it down. It’s just his instinct. Using barriers, you put men on the defense. A man’s instantly going to jump on the offense. He’ll feel compelled prove himself otherwise. Like Matthew that he is a good kisser. Like Ben that he is a little bit of a bad boy.

Alternate your challenges with compliments and make sure that when you say these things, he knows you’re just teasing. Use a more sarcastic or playful tone. Sophia and Amanda both utilized their body language. Sophie cocked an eyebrow skeptically. Amanda ruffled Matthew’s hair and prodded him in the chest playfully. Both women moved away from their men to indicate their disinterest. Amanda was a full arm length’s away and held Matthew back with her index finger. Sophia placed her martini like a shield between herself and Ben.

Challenging is all about flirting and piquing men’s curiosity. You want men to think that you’re possibly attainable, but not certainly attainable. See if a guy can win you over. Keep a man on his toes. If a guy can’t quite figure you out, he will keep chasing you.