Being single can be great. It’s an awesome opportunity to explore who you are and what you want. Hopefully, panning out with a better understanding of yourself, a newfound hobby like yoga, maybe a few tattoos and a one night stand with a musician.

But even in your downward dog zen, rock star sex haze, there are times when you find yourself wishing you were in a relationship. The big relationship, where you take weekend strolls to the farmer’s market, pop for a starter pet, plan vacations a year in advance, and share little inside jokes and nicknames.

You’ve had your fair share of ‘The Ones’ in the past, but they all turned into ‘The Ones Who Got Away.’ At first it’s easy to blame the duds you’ve dated. But if all your romances fizzle, it’s time to start wondering why you are single.

The real problem might be that you’re not getting in touch with what you really want.

On top of that, traditional courtship further limits your options. In dating, there’s a disparity between who you want and who wants you.     

There’s the hot piece of man meat you’re googly eyed over. He fits every description on your checklist, except for the teeny tiny detail that he doesn’t like you the same in return. You obsess: “But we’re perfect together! He just doesn’t know it!” You strategize: “There must be a way to make him like me!” Putting time into this guy is pointless. It won’t work out; you can’t force chemistry. Chemistry isn’t something someone decides.

Then there’s the guys interested in you, but you’re not interested in them. They’re the men chatting you up at the supermarket, winking at you on IM, writing haikus in your honor, blowing up your phone with date proposals. You dismiss them (and sometimes may not even realize you dismiss them because these guys aren’t on your radar) for a variety of reasons: looks, status, personality traits, or what you perceive he’s looking for. You could choose this guy that wants you, but he’s not your “type.” 

It’s frustrating. You start to wonder: Is there no one out there for me? Are these men chasing you your only options? If you want a relationship, is the only choice just to accept the men who want you and compromise? Otherwise are you destined to become a lonely cat lady?

Don’t give up hope. Put that kitten back in the free kitten box. You don’t have to end up alone. You don’t have to settle. In a bit, I’ll offer you two solutions that will increase your dating spectrum. What I’m about to tell you is going to take some self-reflection and a shift in how you gauge attraction and how you traditionally meet men.

If you want something to change, you need to do something about it. I’m here to tell you there are two actionable things you can do:

1.) Put your superficial standards aside so you can see who you have chemistry with

2.) Approach the men you want and present the best possible impression of yourself

Put Your Superficial Standards Aside so You Can See Who You Have Chemistry With

I’ll never forgot what one of my male friends told me years ago, when I seemed unhappy with the guy I was dating: the perfect guy on paper. “When are you going to stop dating the men you can control and start dating someone who challenges you.” He nailed it although it was hard for me to admit at the time: I settled for the predictable man I was compatible with. Mr. Perfect possessed every trait I hoped for in a man. He treated me like a Queen. He was my best friend. He remembered every anniversary. Would watch any tear jerker with gusto and a box of Kleenex. This guy held doors, people. He loved me and I wanted to fall in love him but I couldn’t. Without passion, I was bored and miserable.

I’d like to blame those Golden Book fairy tales for getting me to that point. Curse you, Prince Charming!

Admit it though. You have one too: your dream version of the man that sweeps you off their feet. Maybe he’s tall, handsome, charming and a bit mysterious. He whisks you off in his Ferrari, Prius, helicopter, to a fancy restaurant, mixology bar, exotic island. Maybe his red room of pain if you’re into that Christian Grey-type. He’s definitely a passionate kisser. An amazing lover. Your John Cusack standing for true love clutching his boom box.

There’s a good chance you have in mind the type of guy you want. A set of Prince Charming qualities. Like goal-setting, creating a checklist sounds productive, but certain criteria like looks, height, age, money and social status only limit your options. You end up forming silly biases. When you meet a guy who looks a certain way and fits your constructs, you think he’s going to make you feel a certain way and do all those great things you’ve dreamed of.

The problem is, looks, career, even compatibility are only the tip of the iceberg of what really attracts us to someone.

How often is a girl attracted to a guy that doesn’t fit into her constructs?

Imagine a girl who’s into clean cut doctors she can climb like a tree, but she ends up kissing a shorter, shaggy haired advertising art director. Later that night, before she goes to sleep, she catches herself smiling. She shakes it off and reprimands herself. She must have had too much to drink. He’s not even her “type.” It’s so weird that she was attracted to him, she usually never goes for shorter, shaggy-haired creative-types. It goes against everything she’s attracted to.

Next, there’s the ‘frog’ that’s amazing in bed. He’s hideous by all her standards, yet she doesn’t know what it is, but there’s undeniable chemistry.

Then there’s the time she met her perfect 6-foot tall doctor and the sex was awful. She wanted chemistry so bad, but there was just nothing there. She could parade the guy around all she liked. Lie to herself all she wanted. Still, zero arousal.

In instances like these, her standards don’t make sense. There’s a cognitive dissonance between her narrow constructs of who she’s supposed to be attracted to and the person she actually has chemistry with.

Attraction isn’t a choice. Emotions dwell somewhere between the unconscious and the conscious. Like German poet Rainer Maria Rilke said, “You don’t one day decide you’re in love with someone; emotions bubble up long before you realize it.”

“You don’t one day decide you’re in love with someone; emotions bubble up long before you realize it.” -Rainer Maria Rilke

If a guy doesn’t fit into your cookie cutter constructs, you might resist the feeling. But what would happen if you indulged in that feeling?

If you put aside your superficial standards, there’s a good chance you’d realize you have just as much passion and attraction for someone in the broader spectrum. You’d be opening up a whole new pool of potential mates.

Now I’m not suggesting you settle for someone you don’t have chemistry with. You shouldn’t sacrifice chemistry for compatibility. You need both in a relationship. But you deserve more than just a buddy. My advice: choose to accept dates with guys a tiny bit outside of your comfort zone. You need someone who makes you a little uncomfortable. You want to date someone who stirs your passion, raises your confidence, and forces you to face up to your own insecurities.

Strive higher than just a strong connection, hold out for chemistry.

Strive higher than just a strong connection, hold out for chemistry. When you meet a guy, don’t dismiss him so quickly based on ridiculous criteria. Meeting someone new is an exciting adventure. You don’t know what the outcome is going to be. Keep a look out for serendipity, those wonderful unexpected discoveries. Give a man room to surprise you. And even if you meet a guy you find physically attractive, challenge him. Allow him to impress you. Make him demonstrate why you should choose him. Incite him to show you there’s actual chemistry there.

Watch so you’re ego doesn’t blind you from seeing who you have chemistry with. A lot of what we want stems from other people’s approval. We want to look cool. We trust our friends and family’s assessments. It would be an amazing world if everyone went for the people they were really into. Unfortunately we don’t live in that world. Many women find themselves dating the men their friends find gorgeous, although they only consider the guy mildly attractive. Just as many women choose the high powered business executive, over the broke assistant. She might have better chemistry with the average and broke dudes, but she cares what other people think. Although you can’t completely ignore your ego, I challenge you to be a little less concerned with other people’s opinions.

By going with your gut over your ego, not only will you have a much wider spectrum of suitors who want you, value you, and think you’re the bees knees, but you’ll also have amazing chemistry with every single one of those gentleman as well. That’s the equivalent of having a every imaginable flavor of cake (even a My Little Pony ice cream cake!) and eating them too.

Approach the Men You Want and Present the Best Possible Impression of Yourself

Dating rulebooks, our grandmothers courting secrets, period pieces with women in bonnets – they knock it into our heads that men must be the ones to approach women. These old school conventions seem to have sound reasoning: as a woman, you must assume that the only men interested (and worth your time) are the ones that seek you out and pursue you.

I’m going to tell you right now that this is not true.

While I still agree that men must pursue a women to prove his level of interest, I disagree that a woman must stand by idly waiting for a man to pluck her from the sidelines like some 1950’s sock hop.

When I asked several men how often they approach the women they are interested in, do you know what they said? 50% of the time! In other words, if they liked a girl only half of the time did they actually decide to do something about it. The other half they didn’t do anything at all although they were interested. How many times did those girls like them in return? Think of all the missed opportunities!

When I asked several men how often they approach the women they are interested in, do you know what they said? 50% of the time! In other words, if they liked a girl, only half of the time did they actually decide to do something about it.

Many men who would be interested in you, don’t approach you or contact you for many reasons: fear of rejection, bad relationship timing, intimidation, or circumstance. A cutie might be afraid you and your friends will make fun of him. A guy at a coffee shop might be glued to his iPhone in a work emergency. A guy might think you get asked out all the time – why would you choose him?

So you can wile away your time in dark corners like the conservative view suggests, but if you’re still single and you want things to change, I’d take matters into my own hands and meet not only the men who approach me, but the men I want to meet.

By approaching men, you are given the unique opportunity to craft your own best first impression. Show off your personality and creativity. Trigger attraction. With a few easy lines that I teach in my course you can yourself apart from every other girl. Be the girl he can’t stop thinking about. Create a strong, lasting connection.

My whole book is about approaching and attracting the men you want to meet. It’s called Real Men In. In it, I demonstrate how to stand out , create a kick ass memorable first impression, and generate powerful attraction that will have a guy begging for your phone number and a date. With five actionable openers, boatloads of flirting techniques, extensive exercises so you’ll get immediate results, and plenty of juicy examples, I’ll teach you how to wow the men you want and turn a meeting into a make out, movie date, or monogamy.