Hi Evie,

This guy and I have been dating for a little over two months. We have so much in common (similar family backgrounds, goals, tastes in food and music), he has a great job, he’s smart, funny, my family loves him, and we are really comfortable when we hang out together. The only thing is: I haven’t felt that ‘I want to jump your bones’ passion like I had with my ex-boyfriend. My ex was a roller coater ride of emotion. With this guy it’s just easy. Should I look at our lack of passion as an problem? Can passion can grow? You can learn to have passion, right?

Kimberly

Hi Kimberly,

You’re asking the age old question: Is compatibility more important than passion or visa versa. We all want the perfect relationship. Relationships are a balance between passion and compatibility. But what is the right balance? How do you know if someone is right for you? What makes for a healthy relationship? A long-term relationship? The 81 year old couple on a park bench?

Compatibility with someone isn’t about having the same income, race, family background, or political views – it’s more than that. It’s your values, beliefs, and communication. It’s how well you work together and get along. It’s having something to talk about on that park bench at 81 years old. Compatibility builds over time. You don’t have to be completely compatible with someone when you meet them. Heck, I wouldn’t want to meet someone I’m 100% compatible with or there would be nothing to learn and no room for growth.

Most people think passion means “Oh my god, I want to fuck you right now.” If we left it at desire and strong sexual feelings we’d be selling passion short. Passion (or what we also call chemistry) is the igniting force of love. It’s the key romantic ingredient. The compelling enthusiasm that propels someone to want to get strapped in together for life’s greatest adventure – a relationship. It’s the intense feelings that meld two people together until they are 81 on that park bench.

Some people disagree that following your passion is the way to find a relationship. They’ve been burned in past relationships that were all passion and no compatibility and want a sense of control and stability in their next relationship. Some experts say to choose comfort over passion. Seek out traits like agreeableness and lack of novelty seeking, if you want a long term relationship.

Right off the bat, agreeableness sounds downright boring to me. I would never want to date someone who agrees with me all the time. What fun would that be? What would I ever learn? At the same time, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is stubborn, selfish or difficult all the time. Relationships aren’t formed at the extremes, but a sense of balance. Rather than agreeableness, I would want someone who is empathetic. Someone able to offer their opinion, challenge me, and broaden my perspective, but also willing see from a different perspective themselves.

Take away novel discovery and I don’t know what the world would be like. Trust and honesty would be far better traits to have than a lack of novel discovery. No one wants a parter with a wandering eye. On the other hand, no one also wants a guy who’s doing the same routine in the sack. There’s a reason Fifty Shade of Grey became an international bestseller.

I agree that comfort is absolutely necessary in a relationship. It allows both people to feel at ease around each other so they can open up emotionally and want to express their feeling physically. The issue I have with the word “comfort” is when it is used in the context of choosing comfort over passion in a relationship. “Comfort” insinuates a predictable future. A secure complacency. An even-keeled relationship with no twists or turns, ups or downs. Or butterflies.

Kimberly, you said your last boyfriend was a roller coaster ride of emotion. You had passion. But passion isn’t comfortable. It isn’t safe. It isn’t predictable. It’s unstable. It could crash and burn at any moment. And could ignite and alight at any moment as well. You can’t be complacent, you have to work and nurture the flame to keep passion alive. Passion only exists if there is a risk of losing it. If there’s something at stake.

When choosing a mate, you need to strike a balance. Relationships fall apart if they completely lack compatibility or completely lack chemistry.

When choosing a mate, you need to strike a balance. Relationships fall apart if they completely lack compatibility or completely lack chemistry. It sounds like you were head over heels for your ex-boyfriend who was completely wrong for you and your relationship turned to disaster. Conversely, I know from experience that compromising passion for the perfect guy on paper who seems like a great catch and nursing home rocking chair buddy, leads to unhappiness.

So is compatibility a safer bet?

People argue that passion is bound to fade over time. Yes, it can. But a “stable” choice can also change and you can no longer be compatible.

In regards to finding a mate: love is not the same as planning your 401 K. Chasing passion may risk disaster. But compromising passion for “stability” risks misery and boredom. 

In regards to finding a mate: love is not the same as planning your 401 K. Chasing passion may risk disaster. But compromising passion for “stability” risks misery and boredom. For every person I know who suffered from chasing their passion, I know another who suffered from settling for “stability” and “compromise.” From my personal experience, my parents married for comfort, and divorced, not because they weren’t compatible, not because they fought, or weren’t a great team, but because there was little passion. No relationship choice is really a “safe” investment.

So which is more important when looking for the right mate?

The truth is, you can have compatibility with a lot of people: your mom, a friend, a roommate. You can learn compatibility. You can learn agreeableness. So why not choose a roommate to grow old with instead? Why not just herd a few dozen cats?

Passion, on the other hand, is very hard to come by and very hard to let go. It is not a choice. You can’t learn it. If you don’t have it, even if you want it badly, it’s not something you decide. It happens. It’s powerful. Passion allows you to overcome differences. It inspires you to be the best version of yourself. It’s a spark that can fade over time, but once ignited, has the ability to be rekindled. In hard times you stick it out for passion. Being ‘in love’ with someone motivates you to work things out.

Passion, on the other hand, is very hard to come by and very hard to let go. It is not a choice. You can’t learn it.

The comfortable, safe and stable route was the way things worked for women in the olden days. Before women had careers to support themselves, if a woman needed a man to take care of her, she might be willing to compromise passion to live with a nice, agreeable man, in a nice, comfortable house, drive a nice, safe car, raise her brood of nice, well-cared for kids. But we have options today. You’re smart, independent and capable. You deserve more. You deserve compatibility AND passion. So if you aren’t feeling ‘in love’ don’t compromise for just ‘love.’

 My book Real Men In is all about getting the men you want. Not the men you must settle for because they are close to what you want. I want every single one of you to follow your passion, go after what you want and get it. Passion is excitement, it’s desire, it’s a feeling that you will go to the ends of the earth for. I want a passionate partner. And I want to be a passionate partner.