Have you ever met a great guy and instantly felt a spark. You exchanged numbers, then some flirty texts. You went out on a date and it was magical! Your chemistry shot off the charts! Giddy, you wondered: could this be it? You thought he was really into you too, but after a few more dates something changed. He started to become more distant and withdrawn and you couldn’t figure out why. Then he stopped calling altogether.

You felt blindsided. You seemed so perfect together. What went wrong?

There are several reasons why a man pulls away. There’s a chance he likes you, but it’s not the right time for him. Maybe he isn’t emotionally mature enough to get any closer. Or, there’s the possibility you fear the most: you blew it with something you said or did.

As women we usually can pinpoint exactly why we stopped seeing a guy. Maybe he was too boring, too pretentious, too boisterous, or not intellectually stimulating enough? On the other hand, guys can go on a couple hot and heavy dates with a girl and then suddenly be put off by her. He can go from feeling a strong desire to call her and see her, to having no desire at all. Many times if you’d ask these guys why they were turned off by a girl, they couldn’t give you a specific reason, they say they just were.

Why does this happen?

When a woman first starts seeing a new guy, she’s pretty laid back and easy going. She’s getting to know him, connecting and having fun. Of course she starts to dream about the possibilities with this new, amazing guy. She imagines where things might go. She starts to become attached to a fantasy future. All the weekends they’ll spend together! The trips they’ll take! He’ll just totally hit it off with Grandma! She begins to act based on expectations in her mind, she assumes their relationship is well on it’s way, while in the guys’s mind, they have just begun. 

Interacting with her internal dialogue she no longer sees the situation for what ‘it is,’ but for what it ‘could be.’ Her focus shifts from getting to know the guy to gauging how close or far away she is to her goal of a relationship with him. She’ll overanalyze his behavior to measure how much he likes her. Check in on him. Ask for constant reassurance. Wonder why he isn’t calling or making plans when she expects him to. Become disappointed and sulks if he cancels or doesn’t contact her as often as she hoped he would. At this point she is no longer interacting with him, but with the thoughts in her head.

Once a woman starts to sense that a man is pulling back, for fear she’ll lose him, she has a tendency to latch on tighter and pursue him. 

Worse, once a woman starts to sense that a man is pulling back, for fear she’ll lose him, she has a tendency to latch on tighter and pursue him. She’ll pester him with texts, buy him gifts, ask him out, nag him for not calling her enough, or try to manipulate him into calling with the old, ‘Call me! It’s an emergency’ ‘Call me or I’m going to defriend you on Facebook.’

What do you notice about these types of reactions? They sound extremely desperate, demanding, smothering and needy. Nothing is less attractive than desperation. Constant criticism only makes a guy feel bad about himself. Men don’t like to disappoint. No guy wants to be with someone who makes them feel bad or inadequate.

In a guy’s eyes, her vibe shifts. He doesn’t quite understand why but she’s transformed from the cool, easy-going chick he started dating into a dramatic, nagging, reassurance-seeking wreck. He pulls away because he doesn’t feel good about himself. She doesn’t seem like the girl that wants to hang out and have fun. She’s become he girl that has an agenda and wants something from him. His instincts tell him to run.

Men base their decision to see a girl again on how she makes them feel.

So What’s the Key to Keep Men Calling?         

Men and women approach relationships differently. Men enjoy the moment for what it is. Women search for ways to improve a relationship and help it progress. The woman who has men lining up to date her strikes a balance between expressing what she wants in the future and enjoying the present situation.

As women we crave affection and reassurance. We use reassurance to benchmark our relationship so it stays on track and progresses in the direction we want. Men have a very different primary need and it is what makes them feel special and needed when they are with us, and it’s what keeps them calling.

If you think buying a guy gifts, calling, texting, checking up on him will make him fall in love with you, I’m about to save you a whole lot of time. Men don’t fall in love with the woman that gives. He falls in love with the woman who appreciates all he gives to her. Think how much you like reassurance and affection. Men have an equal need for appreciation. If a man is not appreciated, he loses his motivation and becomes passive and lazy.

Women are the opposite. When her partner ignores her, a woman’s first impulse is to try harder to please a guy. When women expect men to do the same they become confused and frustrated. Why is he pulling away? Why isn’t he trying harder to earn her appreciation?

Appreciation is the fuel that motivates a guy’s actions. Appreciation let’s him know he’s making a difference. When a man is appreciated by a woman, he’s a happy camper. Yet, when a woman nags or criticizes the way he does things or acts dissatisfied with him, he retaliates by becoming defensive or withdrawn.

Men fall in love with the way you make them feel. When a woman acts disappointed, criticizes or nags a man, he senses that she wants more than he can give her.

Men fall in love with the way you make them feel. When a woman acts disappointed, criticizes or nags a man, he senses that she wants more than he can give her. He’ll start to feel like he can’t make her happy. He’s letting her down, which isn’t a good feeling. If on top of that she is trying to convince him of his feelings with little regard to what he wants, that also doesn’t make him feel good or respected by her.

A man continues to call and pursue a woman because he’s motivated by the way she makes him feel. Yet, if a girl is pressuring him, he won’t feel motivated to give more, he’ll feel like he’s being forced to give more. If she’s trying to convince him to choose her, he’ll sense that she’s more invested than he is. She’ll assume the role of the pursuer and it will be up to him to decide whether or not he chooses her.

So what should you do when you sense a man is pulling back?

The answer is to leave space for a man to come to you. When a man you’re dating pulls back, a woman’s first instinct is usually to come in and close that space. Cue the calls, emails, texts, thoughtful gifts, and drop by’s to his place. These actions require effort on your part and it also causes the guy to resist your attempts. Why? Well, you’ve done all the work for him. You’ve removed his incentive to get closer. He no longer feels like it’s his choice to get closer. He feels forced.

If he is withdrawing, respect his choice. Let him pull back without drama. You can tell him in a respectful way that although you don’t like his choice, you know you can’t force him to feel what you feel. He won’t forget your laid back reaction. It will tell him that you are respectful of his choices and that you are not desperate. It will also let him know that you don’t handle situations with drama. Also a good quality. Then, give him space and time to think. Men need space in order to grow closer to you and to take the relationship to a deeper level.

Men need space in order to grow closer to you and to take the relationship to a deeper level.

During this time I know you will want answers, you’ll want to to ask him all the ‘where is this going?’ questions, but resist the urge to ask him what’s wrong or to step up your efforts in order to get a response from him. Allow him to make the decision on his own, in his own time, to come to you. When he does step it back up, you’ll be a lot happier because you’ll know its on his own accord. His effort will make you feel desired. And your positive reaction to his pursuit will make him feel appreciated.

And if he doesn’t step it back up, that will tell you your answer as well. If a man is consistently disappointing you and not meeting your standards, it might be time to remove yourself from the situation. If his efforts aren’t good enough, he might not be good enough for you.

The best way to get a meaningful relationship is to develop it organically. In my book Real Men In I suggest you learn not to get attached too soon to any one man or outcome with a man. It takes time to build a relationship. It doesn’t happen in a few weeks. There’s no need to rush a relationship. Or feel that you need to convince anyone to be with you. You’re not desperate. You have a happy and fulfilling life with many options. Take your time and enjoy the early stages of bonding with a guy. Let him earn your affections and appreciation. Give him the chance to surprise and amaze you and build a strong relationship foundation with you.